Saturday, January 26, 2008

i'm damn tired right now. just got back from CVD and it's really a very tiring event. from what i heard, the crowd wasnt as big as last year's. it doesnt matter actually for what matters the most is the fact that OUR BUSINESS WAS GOOD AND WE FINISHED SELLING OUR DOGS! i think we did a great job as a class and our dogs are really fantastic alright.

couldnt even wake up this morning but still crawled to school. watch 85 go past me when i'm only a few steps away from the bus stop. that totally sucks but i am too tired to go to Compass Point to take 965. sat there and rotted and waited for the next bus. the entire CVD was alright. not really very entertaining or very interesting. it was boring and i am stingy to spend my $12. everything's expensive because it's a fund raising event. the highlights are perhaps the dunking of our VP and Ms Tan. she's really damn hot alright. probably the hottest being in our school that can make us turn our attention towards her and make girls feel totally lesbian. seriously.

i kept walking around aimlessly and i ran a hell lot today. went up the fourth floor to get bags but the door was locked so i went down and i went up again and i went down again. how very tedious. almost died and skipped all warm ups. our performance time was pushed forward and i'm glad for it. however, after that i have nothing to do so i rotted around. walked around by myself a whole lot and dont know what i can do. was damn tired from walking around. must thank CL and his friend for coming and buy the ticket from me. i wouldnt want to swallow $12 for i dont know what i can get. wanted to get those face paint or tattoo thing but i'm just too lazy for it. i'm just lazy basically.

at the end of the day, i just sat the stall table selling Lemonades. it's the only thing left to sell and i'm glad business's okay. totally rotted there and stoned. too tired. almost over shot the bus stop because i couldnt wake up. argh. bought dinner and came back. i stink and i just want to lie down there and rot. really.

complaint to my mother about Monster being a total bastard yesterday night and she was just staring at the tv screen. for a moment i feel like i'm talking to a WALL. she couldnt do anything to Monster and neither can my father. ARGH! i'm angry that my parents are unable to defend their child and i'm left to fend Monster off my back by myself. how can they BEAR to witness this?! my mother even told me in Chinese 'haiya you guys sort it out yourself'. i was like O.O how can she say this kind of thing?! isnt she supposed to do something to stop his bastard ways and convert him into a oh-i'm-so-lovely brother?! i feel suppressed and oppressed at the very fact that Monster can threaten me like a loan shark. he'll slaughter me if i overshot the computer hours and he'll poison me if i FORGOT TO SWITCH ON THE BLOODY FAN IN HIS ROOM. i mean, how dumb can he get please? i find him utterly disgusting to the core and i hated him to the bones yesterday night. i am sick of living under his domineering rule when he's not even an independent person, living off his own salary or anything. he's just a stupid civil defence army boy, coming home feeling grouchy from the day at work and releasing all the angst at us. come on, get a LIFE. no wonder up till now at the age of 20, he's still UNATTACHED. bet no one wants him.

like what Duck said, nobody deserves such siblings. Monster used to be VIOLENT alright. those were the days where i lived in fear and i cant even fight back. now that we're all older and he's just an old bag of bones like me, he cant resort to violence and he knows that it's only physical hurt. he's smart enough to go threaten me with the daily essential things that i NEED like the computer and internet connection. he bans me from using the computer right after my time is up and there is NO allowance. before we shifted to Seng Kang, he promised to give me more allowance if i help persuade my father to let him place the computer there. apparently i was duped into believing that it'll ever happen, like believing that fairy godmothers exist. now that he's schooling at some shit school, he'll use all the excuses in the world, saying that he needs the time to study and he should have NO distraction. i argued that we can always shift the computer out into the living room and there he goes again, yakking like a spastic asshole that he'll ban me tomorrow and the day after tomorrow and probably forever and start attacking me with the migraine problem of mine. MINE i repeat. he doesnt sympathise with my migraine problems but come and say that it's all fake and all and i should just attend school like any other normal kid. I'M NOT NORMAL HELLO. he doesnt have a fucking migraine so he should STOP saying such retarded things as if he has migraine and that oh-i-am-god-so-i-know-everything. he started COMPARING me with his colleague, saying that 'sometimes his migraine is so bad that he has to go to the sick bay'. THE THING IS HELLO, THERE ISNT A SICK BAY IN OUR SCHOOL ANYMORE YOU DICKHEAD. after saying that he said 'what kind of school is that?' well i never ever said that our school is like HCI where we get all the facilities in the world right?! next he started saying 'his migraine is SO bad that he has to do a brain scan THREE times'. the emphasis was on the word THREE. so? three times means that his migraine is bad and mine isnt because i didnt go a bloody brain scan three times? COME ON FUCKHEAD, HIS SCANS ARE SUBSIDISED BY THE GOVERNMENT BECAUSE HE'S IN THE ARMY. I AM SO NOT IN THE ARMY AND SO IF I NEED TO DO A BRAIN SCAN I'LL NEED MONEY FROM OUR PARENTS AND YOU THINK WE OWN BANKS?! fuck.

he just doesnt make sense and doesnt think. i am sick of being under his thumb like an ant. it sucks being a middle child when you dont do the same thing to your younger sibling to make yourself feel better. he does it to us okay. what kind of Monster am i living with?! he has his nice moments but that was when his period doesnt come. he's forever pissed at work so perhaps he doesnt realise that the problem lies with HIM and not the others?! he's the eldest so he doesnt realise the pain of being under an older sibling. i am disappointed with the fact that my OWN parents cant help me in ANY way. i know i am highly independent and i dont expect anyone to interfere with this but MY PARENTS?! they are the ones who gave him LIFE and they should seriously discipline him. sad to say that didnt occur to their minds last time and now they cant do ANYTHING because he's already fucking 20 years old. i just hope that he'll move out of the house like the next year or something. HOWEVER, HE'S NOT AS INDEPENDENT AS ME SO HE'LL REMAIN A PARASITE BY STAYING AT HOME AND SUCK THE ESSENCE OF OUR LIVES OUT.

this may seem like an essay but i dont really give a shit. i dislike Monster to a extremely large extent and that's my stand. even when he's being nice and all it's only going to last for what? less than a day?! the other time Cheng Long wanted to invite him to church for Christmas and i violently objected. i told him, it's either you see HIM or ME. you choose one. he said Monster's nice just because he's only seen him once and that day happened to be the very day that he kept going on and on about this particular point and his main purpose is just to ridicule me?! he never fails to make me feel so small and so useless about myself and he never fails to remind me that "HEY IDIOT YOU'RE GOING TO SCREW UP YOUR A'S JUST LIKE MINE SO YOU SHOULD JUST GO TO A POLY" every single day. how sick can he get? he's extremely perverse i swear. he never stops harping about this particular point just to humiliate you and make you feel lousy when you cannot even tease him at all. he'll end up snapping at me and banning me from all those technological stuff and start threatening me with all sorts of things and start making me feel like i'm the lousiest child that my parents can ever have due to my migraine problems.

i wish he'll understand. my mother said something so ridiculous. she said that his existence is to stretch my patience. FUCK. even if my patience isnt that good, i still have to endure right?! afterall he's such an ass and i cant even do anything about it. if people say that i'm mean when it comes to shooting people and all, look you havent seen the king man. he's the ONLY one that i lose to and if you outdo him i'll say you're my hero. i learnt it all from experience. we shoot each other from the day we were young till this very point and we'll never stop being mean to each other. it reminds me of how alike we are in this sense and it disgusts me. i dont want to be like him and i dont want to follow his footsteps in screwing up my A's. the worst thing is i used to worship him when i was little, wanting every single thing that he has. that was just so dumb and naive of me and i swear that i'm going to erase that bit of memory. i just told my mother that i swear that i'm going to make it big so that next time, he'll be the one at my mercy and he'll have a taste of his own medicine. he'll be begging me on his knees and i cant wait for that day to come. whoever said that siblings have strong kinship? it doesnt happen to my family. we're like enemies. he's the Monster and i'm the Terrorist. he's the Bitch and i'm the Bastard. that's who we are.

even if i'm sick of it and even attempted thoughts of killing him in all methods, i dont want to pay for the crime for killing such a loser. it's not worth it. i'd rather endure and do damn well so that he'll have to pay back thousand times of all the shit that he gave me, including all the humiliation and the deflation of my morale. he'll pay for this.

i sound angsty and sick. he's the one who caused this misery too.

enough of him. i'm so tired that i'll just lie there and totally start to worm and wish that tomorrow will never come. even though we have that report at 9.10am on Monday thing, it doesnt happen to us because we have Econs with you-know-who. oh well.

eyes are damn tiny now. sorry if this isnt entertaining.